20090113

There are many types of friends you meet in your entire life.

By order, obviously, the ones who are most important are those who understands you the best. knows what you're thinking even when you're silent, completes your sentences before you do, reprimands you appropriately, be physically and emotionally there for you, gives logical advice when you're not thinking clearly. they sometimes get pissed off cos you dont do things for them, or when you don't return the favour because you think it's alright. But that's only because they would be willing to do the same for you, what they expect out of you. there's no need for flashy cards, expensive presents or posting super alot of photos online for the world to see, because between you and them, you all know where the other stands. the priceless memories lies within the mind, it is etched onto your memory. surely it must be gratifying to see photos cos they are evidence of times spent together, but really, when i shut my eyes at night i can visibly see and replay the happy times i had.

For someome who doesn't label her friends, or like to, I would say that my favourite person is The Annoying One called yeosuikim. she's like..more than a zhi1 zi3. i can see us growing up together, crying over bastards who will break our hearts, climbing up the cooperate ladder (not together cos she's damn anal what if she becomes my boss!?), watching her getting married (?!), touchwood hospitalised, seeing each other through mid-life crisis, having kids at the same time, bitching abt our kids, discussing which ways are the best punishments to torture them, rushing for sales together omg so auntie, GOING ON HOLIDAY TOGETHER!!! OMG cant wait. i dont know if she feels the same. but as long as i feel this way i am not going to fail her as a friend. anyway if there's anyone disappointing me it's her lor.. :D

Far-fetched? yeah i reckon. i actually think im damn useless la all those things that i hold on to all fail me. even the most valuable of friendships i cherish before all those shit happened. im so weird in a way. people have goals eg get scholarship go overseas study/ be close to family/ have so many abilities and achievements/ er i dunno have 100 000 photos and friends on facebook AND i just want to have really good friends. i think im insecure, esp with the recent turn of events at home. the only constant now is friendship. that's all i have left which no one can take away from me. while i have made mistakes in the past, like shoving my face in friends' faces when they evidently dont need or want me around, im sorry i guess that was the time when i was bolder but i really am sorry cos i cringe at myself too. ALL I WANTED WAS TO BE FRIENDS!!! HAHAHA OMG. that sounds so like sth val would say. but i do have other goals now though. i am going to study hard and study overseas for uni. i am going to leave this shithole of a place and live my own life. if i can i'll migrate when i have the means to. there is so much possibilities overseas you know. so much. while i discovered this i made a grave mistake and left behind an object close to my heart but i would be even more miserable if today i am typing here in this messed up position without seeing so much more.

but i digress.

Then there are good friends, those who accompany you everyday and yet you neglect them in some way or another. these friends are ke xin, val and ruiling thanks alot for making school more endurable esp today at math!! haha these people make me laugh at the weirdest things and im thankful for friends whom are on the same frequency as I am. it's really hard to be yourself if you laugh at things which the majority doesnt find funny and you get weird looks in class. or elsewhere. Ke xin for shouting advice to me (: thanks ah but dont mind lower your voice a little thanks. Val for random shitass funny comments and making us laugh and getting us into trouble and still insisting BUT ITS FUNNY WHAT?! when the teacher is obviously seething. although i know i am not a super good friend or anything to any of you two but i still am thankful for us being not bad friends cos seriously i think i will kill myself if i have to attend school myself. obviously, compared to your other friends we are not that close but all my laughing moments in school has your two faces in it.

Then there are the other kind of good friends, whom you dont see everyday but during the time you spend together you enjoy yourself and you'd wish you all were closee. like, my trackkies! we've come very far and im proud to say we're close. even though there are preferences to talk to certain people it doesnt make anyone uncomfortable i hope. training without all of you would be zzz go home and sleep la. since changyi says i always look like i just woke up anyway. sigh.

and then you have friends, or rather, acquaintances, who are nice depending on the weather. sometimes you talk sometimes you don't. and then there are friends of asquaintances, who confuse you just the same. so then, how exactly are you supposed to react? put on a paperbag instead. honestly.

the most intriguing ones, positively or negatively, are those who have left their footprints in your lives previously but have moved on. but of course the whole point of talking about things like that is to point out that you're a pathetic loser still hoping things will get better when the opposite party is evidently shutting you out. Then how? my mom would say, cry lor. yes very helpful. actually she gave me a very logical piece of advice in chinese:

合得来就好，合不来就散。

translation: if you're friends then good for you. if you're not then forget it break it and move on.

this easier said than done. many times i question myself whether what i am doing is worth it, while the logical part of me screams at me HELL NO? the softer part of me always, always fking give in and go, oh, just try again, who knows what might happen this time. should i care so much for me friends? i dont want to turn around, look behind me one day and realise im all alone on this path. i cringe at mysef for the words i speak just to get an a decent answer. i've really put aside my pride and face just to make an effort this time. and every time i think of this situation i question all my other friends. are you worth it? what makes you so special from the rest? are they worth it?

so fucking sec1 to be bothered by shit like this. i know. i am weak. im not denying it. am i not good enough a friend for you? even to friends who have disappointed me time and again and the dynamics of our friendship is complicated, i still brace it and look past that. on the account that we used to be such good friends.

why can't you? or do i disgust you that much you're too ashamed to be my friend. you said you dont want to regret these two years. i hope after you graduate and i can finally be out and away from your face everyday, i hope you don't regret. but by the looks of it..i don't think you will. i don't want you to regret. payback's a bitch. that is why i keep trying. for the good times we had. or maybe, just maybe, i still think you're the same old you when in fact you've changed. deep deep down inside, beneath all the make up, fake eyelashes, fashionable clothing...somewhere in the very inner core, i still believe that you are a good person. i refuse to think that you are so heartless and mean. but i guess that is my own demise. it's so conflicting. how can you be as i believe you to be when in person you're a heartless mean _____ whatever, you're being mean just because you can? i can be mean just because i can too haha ask sk she knows very well. (:

i think i am fking shit stupid when everyone and half of myself has seen through you and told me to forget about you but the other half of me still dangles. i mean how bad can my judgement be right? i see valuable things in my friends. in each and every one of them. every friend is different. different in their own ways. no one can ever replace another, nor will two friendships be the same. i am guessing that you dont care and sometimes i worry not for my own welfare but for you because (as my classmate Liki once said very wisely to my other classmate Jonlim,)

"I believe in karma."

it's so shitty here you know. and i dont want that to ever happen to you. i sincerely hope that your friends are good enough for you, or as least as good as you are to them. And that no friend ever breaks your heart, bitches about you or makes you feel bad about yourself. i think if there was any purpose for me to cross paths with you is to let you know how a true friend can be. and im glad that you've found many at the same time. i hope i had been a good enough friend for you in the past because you were one to me. maybe i hadn't, that's why this is happening. good god. i could go on forever. but i won't.

It is time for me to try my very best and just. relinquish the memories. it's not easy you know. it' s those in my memory which are the hardest to erase. sometimes i wish i could cut my head open and take them out. or, OR HAVE A PENSIVE TO PUT THEM INTO HAHAHA stupid hp fan. and also the Anger, when i defended you from some many of them who felt you weren't good enough a friend for me. or that i was "cool" back then so we became friends. okay la so now im a nobody in school not cool anymore so we cannot be friends?! that's so fucking stupid im sorry i ever thought of that. i dont know whether that's true. Anger because i feel that you've failed me cos i've got your back covered then, and now with cringing regret you choose to let me go instead. maybe i am not all that much afterall. no wonder it's so easy for you to let go.

dreams? yeah even when i havent pondered for a long time, when i sleep at night you suddenly pop by and say hi. WHAT THE FUCK? i didnt even think of you! and you still invade me in my dreams. dont make it sound as if oh it's so awful, to have " bad" me pop up in your dream, hey hello im telling you now you're no better okay. sk says she should get me a dreamcatcher cos i have very bizarre dreams. it's funny though; in my dreams i can see your face very clearly and even hear you laugh even we havent talked for months but when im awake and conscious..behind my shut eyes your face is blurred. stupid dreams include playing floorball,your specs falling off your nose (you dont ever put them on in school anymore) eating in the canteen etc. bad dreams include shouting, hearing you repeat mean words. screaming. amongst other stuff.

i am damn gross right. i sound like some fucking stalker who can't get over a simple thing like ignoring a friend but it's really hard to avert my gaze like you can. perhaps you should teach me soon. then we can all practise for the year left instead of you going, OMGGG, GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!! (haha rmb you and jamie were laughing at the online ads.)

well then. you were a special friend, and no one will ever replace you. hopefully, just hopefully, one day i will not recall a thing. (but omg dont let me go into coma just for this, karma!) or i can glance at you without cringing. while i figure out why this has happened and just sweep it under the rug after, even till then i will foolishly still think that you were my first best friend i ever had. FIRST BEST FRIEND LEH!!! WHAT THE HELL! sk dont be jealous i will react the same should anything happen between us. (:

this sounds like, Elegy for my Friend, Who Is Not Yet Dead.
hahaha. i amuse myself. maybe i can be well off without friends afterall.

i guess i wasn't a best friend to you then. that's so sad, unrequited friendship. omg. sounds like Love Actually the part with keira knightley, the guy wrote on large placards (sth) EVEN WHEN YOU LOOK LIKE THIS (flashes wrinkley old woman)..TILL THEN, MY WASTED HEART WILL CONTINUE LOVING YOU. whoa so sad. damn drama la i should join players.

no la. i think and i should stop caring about you one day. but maybe not so soon. so if you ever need help which only i can offer, i'm here. (: i hope i didnt scare you into thinking im up to sth else. or that i'm a clingy friend. sigh.

your friends would advice you to forget it.
but only you have known me well.

just like what i've done.

sometimes i think i get the most out of talking to myself. just like cat.

fuzzy logic-;
6:17 PM