20080523
i was really looking forward to this june hols, i had started planning since the last dec hols, haha.
so much for appeasing that nagging voice in my head, to constantly look into the future, to try and bring a sense of security.
now i reach forward, i grasp air.
this sick, sinking feeling from the heart travelling all the way to the pit of my stomach, it's all too familiar. it's like climbing the high elements rope course at camp, how i was all gung ho and sure that i could breeze past it, but when i was climbing the ladder the wind blew and the structure started swaying, this sudden panic attack took over my heart started thumping i was all..omg i dont want to do it, just want to get my ass down on the ground. same thing happened while i was on the third log, the next step required me to leap, and i just stoned there on the log, not afraid of what i needed to do, rather, the same feeling attacked my heart again, the one that made me sick all the way down my stomach, made my palms sweat. the feeling of..being lost. knowing what i had to do, yet not knowing how to do it, even though i've seen how it's been done and damn it it seemed all too simple, but i just zoned out.
the feeling that leaves you lost, like a fucking dementor had sucked out your soul, your knees start to buckle, the one you feel when you leap off a building, facing the sky parallel, your arms outstretched, your eyes shut. with the knowledge of what will happen, gnawing at the back of your head, yet you dont know, unsure of how to approach the nxt step. just. lost, la.
sinking feeling. like how i felt when i got 35/100 for higher chinese in pri sch, and had to endure the rest of the day to the time where i'd get lambasted at home. bleak, that's how it looks like.
i'll keep most of my thoughts to myself, esp when they are in incomplete cicles, it's awfully hard to try and express them, no, not when my only listening ear has turned the other cheek.
get yourself together, do it because this will go on for a while. waiting for the old state of mind to return, guess my defence mechanism's still alive and kicking.
heavy heart. looks like it's another night of staring at the ceiling, knowing i should sleep try to sleep yet it evades. how to get myself to sleep? i dont know. if i knew, it would make this shit pass me by like breeze. but i'll keep trying. because i'm supposed to, quotes, move on.
fuzzy logic-;
11:05 PM
